Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I'm stuck

I'm stuck.

I feel like I'm not growing, not progressing through life the way I should be.

I've decided to leave my job because it's slowly killing me. You know that quote from Office Space:

"So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."

That is how I feel. I go home and break down. I can't take it anymore. So I've decided to do something about it. I'm going to look for a part-time job (hopefully waitressing) and I'll save up enough money for 2 months of rent and my bartending course. Then I'll quit, do the course and try to find something in a bar for the next few months, just so I can save up for school.

I'll be doing this English program: English as a second language. I'm taking Japanese lessons. I'll hopefully be able to go to Japan and teach English for a little bit. It's the one country I've wanted to see my whole life... I've always been fascinated with the culture, history, etc.

So I'm going to do it. I figure, even if I work at Starbucks or something, a few nights a week, it won't kill me, you know? I'm willing to sacrifice my days off to make my ends meet.

Because right now, I'm starving to death.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

okay, NO

I have scrapped the post I put up this morning.

Only Gadfly knows what was in it (he was the only one who posted a comment)

I am over M. However, I'm jealous that he has found happiness with someone and that I have not. I'm envious. I feel like I lost the race. I'm not over the fact that I'm still stuck having to work my way through men until I find the right one.

But.

- I have my own apartment with my own stuff in it.
- I have the most fabulous best friend in the entire universe.
- Said best friend works at fabulous shoe store.
- I have dozens of friends who are thisclose to me.
- I have dozens of friends who are simply and most wonderfully just that: friends.
- I have fabulous shoes and bags.
- I can chug beer faster than you.
- I made my own Hab earrings.
- I can wake up, shower, dry my hair, dress and put my face on in under 25 minutes. AND look human.
- I can kick your ass at Halo and Halo 2.
- I have a network of blog-pals who have opened my eyes to many things.
- I have my aunt, uncle and cousin Gianluca in Florence who know me best.
- I have a wonderfully supportive mum, father and step-dad.
- I have an incriminating video of drunk Bailey from this summer.
- I am a karaoke champion.
- I have the best tone-deaf-sing-along-in-the-car voice EVER.
- I have a hilarious 13yr old half-brother who is now 5 inches taller than me and is threatening to pay me back for all the pranks I played on him.
- I can make you laugh.
- I beat up racist people if provoked.
- I beat up homophobes if provoked.
- I can eat 6 steamies in less than 5 minutes.
- I beat up Leaf fans just because I can and they deserve it.
- I do a pretty good Arnold impersonation.
- I'm learning Japanese.
- I have an incredibly annoying family, the members of which spend their days harassing the hell out of me and make me want to tear my hair out.
- I can blow a bubblegum bubble that's bigger than my head.

AND,

- I may have gained back the 6lbs I lost since January 1st, but I started off as a size 4. That's not big. It's below the average size. So =p

Gad, thanks for the shake up. You were off about my intentions & feelings, but absolutely right about the way I was acting. I have just come back from walking down & up again the 9 floors of my office building, and I feel terrific.


*Note* I took down the dramatic/mopey post, just in case some evil eyes see it

uninspired, unmotivated, unloved

Since the uhh, "thing", I've been moving through the world in slow motion. I've also been living in a quart of Ben and Jerry's.

I had lost 6 pounds since the New Year and have gained them back in a matter of days. My bike has a fine layer of dust on it and stares at me accusingly each time I reach inside the freezer. I kept busy all weekend. I was out Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Friday, exactly a week later after the "thing", I was going to see Pan's Labyrinth with some of the boys. To my great distress, when I phoned Russell to find out when he would be at my apartment, he answered that "Me and Matt are on our way, Rayner couldn't come"

I froze and hung up. Matt? He's coming? How could Russel do this? He knows the history, he was there the whole time we were together.

I didn't know what to do. I knew I couldn't cancel, it would scream "I don't want to see him". I wanted to look like I was okay. I called Kat, she didn't answer so I left her a long incomprehensible voice mail explaining what was happening. Then I called Liz, who saved me.

She knew about the myspace profile, and she asked me where it was. So over the phone, she began to tell me what she thought of Matt and his girlfriend. Meanish things that I needed to hear. She calmed me down, let me rant and dealt with my insanity quite well.

She offered to come over and act as a buffer while Matt & Russel came over before the movie. Unfortunately, she couldn't come in the end, but her support really helped me calm down.

Being neurotic, I slapped on a lot of makeup, to make it look like I didn't have any on. I made myself have dewy skin and cat-like eyes. I wore a push up bra I haven't worn in a year. I blow-dried my hair and tried to make it look casual but fabulous. I was trying to make myself look great so that he wished we'd never broken up. I don't want him back but I wanted to look better than his online girl, I wanted to be calm, poised and fabulous.

I don't want to get into the long, long details, but it was awkward. I acted normally and he was really stand-offish. When we got to the cinema, I went to get coffee, and when I returned, the seating order was this way:

Empty_Matt_Pat_Russel_Person

Great...thanks a lot guys.

It was a slightly scary movie, and being the chicken that I am, I hid and jumped in my seat quite a bit. He would look at me and laugh... sometimes I'd stare at him, sometimes I'd catch him staring at me. At one point, while my hand was on my knee, I jumped (for the millionth time) and he reached out for my hand but pulled back at the last minute. It was so... confusing.

When I got home, I thanked them both for the good evening, to which they responded that we should do it again. As I walked up my building's entrance, I cried and cried and cried.

The wound had opened up anew, and it was worse this time around.

I didn't cry myself to sleep, I took 2 adavans which knocked me out within 3 minutes and I slept for over 14 hours. There were no dreams.