uninspired, unmotivated, unloved

Since the uhh, "thing", I've been moving through the world in slow motion. I've also been living in a quart of Ben and Jerry's.

I had lost 6 pounds since the New Year and have gained them back in a matter of days. My bike has a fine layer of dust on it and stares at me accusingly each time I reach inside the freezer. I kept busy all weekend. I was out Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Friday, exactly a week later after the "thing", I was going to see Pan's Labyrinth with some of the boys. To my great distress, when I phoned Russell to find out when he would be at my apartment, he answered that "Me and Matt are on our way, Rayner couldn't come"

I froze and hung up. Matt? He's coming? How could Russel do this? He knows the history, he was there the whole time we were together.

I didn't know what to do. I knew I couldn't cancel, it would scream "I don't want to see him". I wanted to look like I was okay. I called Kat, she didn't answer so I left her a long incomprehensible voice mail explaining what was happening. Then I called Liz, who saved me.

She knew about the myspace profile, and she asked me where it was. So over the phone, she began to tell me what she thought of Matt and his girlfriend. Meanish things that I needed to hear. She calmed me down, let me rant and dealt with my insanity quite well.

She offered to come over and act as a buffer while Matt & Russel came over before the movie. Unfortunately, she couldn't come in the end, but her support really helped me calm down.

Being neurotic, I slapped on a lot of makeup, to make it look like I didn't have any on. I made myself have dewy skin and cat-like eyes. I wore a push up bra I haven't worn in a year. I blow-dried my hair and tried to make it look casual but fabulous. I was trying to make myself look great so that he wished we'd never broken up. I don't want him back but I wanted to look better than his online girl, I wanted to be calm, poised and fabulous.

I don't want to get into the long, long details, but it was awkward. I acted normally and he was really stand-offish. When we got to the cinema, I went to get coffee, and when I returned, the seating order was this way:

Empty_Matt_Pat_Russel_Person

Great...thanks a lot guys.

It was a slightly scary movie, and being the chicken that I am, I hid and jumped in my seat quite a bit. He would look at me and laugh... sometimes I'd stare at him, sometimes I'd catch him staring at me. At one point, while my hand was on my knee, I jumped (for the millionth time) and he reached out for my hand but pulled back at the last minute. It was so... confusing.

When I got home, I thanked them both for the good evening, to which they responded that we should do it again. As I walked up my building's entrance, I cried and cried and cried.

The wound had opened up anew, and it was worse this time around.

I didn't cry myself to sleep, I took 2 adavans which knocked me out within 3 minutes and I slept for over 14 hours. There were no dreams.