Monday, January 29, 2007
Friday morning, I was bored at work. Again.
So, being the clever chick that I am, I bypassed my company's firewall so I could check my myspace (which is one of the only sites that is restricted).
I started to browse users who were in Montreal, I've found old friends a few times this way.
I found one. A profile of someone I know. Someone I know, or at least used to know, more than anyone else. Someone who knew me just as well.
I found Matt's profile.
My palms started to sweat. I clicked on his profile, and what greeted me was... a stranger. The Matt I knew wasn't there, instead it was a guy who wore a cowboy hat, had provocative headers and spewed angst about the government.
He only has 5 friends. They are all girls from Ohio, and are all half naked in their pictures. The comments they leave him make me see red. I'm upset. I don't know why. My head starts to spin, and I can feel my headache start to pound behind my right eye. It hurts to look a my screen.
I'm about to close the window when I notice his personal info.
Satus: In A Relationship.
It's hard for me to breathe. I taste metal in my mouth. My eyes burn with tears I refuse to shed. Why am I feeling this way? We broke up after 3 years. One year later we tried to pick up the pieces. He told me he was leaving. He was leaving the province. I didn't want to fall in love with him again to have him leave me. So I broke it off. I told him why, he kind of felt the same way. I am over him. Aren't I over him?
I go to the washroom and cry my eyes out. I know why I feel so broken.
He has moved on. He has found someone to be with. I've been... replaced. But he has not been replaced. I've had date upon date upon date. I have been toyed with by every man I have dated. I'm alone. I am so alone.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
I've read back over a few posts, and tried my best not to cringe at every single one of them. However, it quickly dawned on me that I was coming across a certain way:
A. Big. Flake.
But...but most people say I'm quite bright actually! That I'm mature and well informed! How could this happen?! Where did I go wrong?
I can't even recognize myself in these drunken spews of man-hating, whiny post. What has blogging done to me? I realized that (drunken) bitching about men is something I do to only one person: Kat. She's the only person who I would trust with my life, or anything for that matter, and therefore I usually can feel comfortable to rant about things that bother me in any way I want. I can be self-pitying, angst-ridden, star-eyed all I want with her, and that's okay. We do it to each other, because we both know that sometimes, you can't keep it all in.
But I'm scared because the way I've been blogging is the same way I ramble on to her. That's not cool. I'm not like this 24/7. It's more like 2-3 hours per week. Sometimes it's 0. It's not the real me. I've also had no inspiration...so I've been blogging about trivial things like how I vacuumed last Sunday (how embarrassing).
So I've made the conscious decision to stop blogging....about certain things. And if I do feel the need to express my thoughts on these matters, I'll have to hold back on the *rambling Monika* and write as *everyday Monika*.
Monday, January 22, 2007
During the summer, the sheer amount of outdoor activities/festivals, and not to mention ridiculously amazing parties we host, makes my fair city the most vibrant and enticing place to be. During the winter, outdoor events quiet down and lead you indoors for intense action.
Thursday night I went to Regis (the Concordia student “bar”) with a few people. We had a few pitchers and cheered on the Habs to a great victory over the Thrashers, with 4-1 being the final score.
Around 10pm, I took Cas with me to a benefit for Engineers Without Borders (EWB). I had to go. The only reason Cas came with me is because I bribed him by paying for his cover ($8 each!). Once again I say to you: I had to go. Why? Remember Stephen? Well, he asked me to go and I told him I would (idiot). So I had to.
It was being held at Boodha on McKay. I’d never been before, and I have to say it was a pretty chill atmosphere. It was a bit ridiculous when it came to drinks. $8 bucks for a Bombay & Tonic? Are you kidding me? So that meant me and Cas had to sip our drinks as slowly as possible. But that’s okay, because we weren’t staying long.
Just before the bands started playing, I walked around to find Stephen, that way I could say hello and then have a clear conscience when I’d be skipping out later. I found him. He was just a cute as before. And unfortunately, the butterflies came up for air again. He was pretty chatty, and he was saying how we should get together really soon and start off the year right (yay!). I was just about to introduce him to Cas when I gazed at his neck, and was blinded by the HUMONGOUS hickey that was on it. I said “Nice hickey. I have to get back to my friend.” and power-walked back to my seat.
Bastard! The cheek of him “We should start off right” etc, etc.
I’m okay…back to the events:
Basically, there were going to be 4 bands playing. The first consisted of three McGill deans and 2 teachers. And there were awesome! They played all kinds of classic rock & roll and had great energy on stage. Cas and I were pretty much blown away: we hadn’t expected them to be that good.
We stayed for about 30 minutes. When we started to walk towards coat check, Stephen grabbed my arm and said “Why are you leaving? Stay. Hang out with me.” I stared (rather rudely) at his hickey for about 6 seconds, so that he would know what I was looking at, and told him that I had to go somewhere else, as I had made plans previously. Which was true.
Okay, it was childish but still…the bloody cheek.
We met up with everybody, had some chow, and then decided to go karaoke…which we did until 2am.
I split a cab with Cas and his girl, and no sooner had I put my key in the lock that I got a phone call from Cody, telling me to grab my skates and meet him in my building’s lobby in 5 minutes. So I ended up playing hockey in my work clothes (which involved a skirt, extremely hard to skate with) for a few hours. It ended with Cody hooking me and me falling over and spraining my ankle. I snatched a few precious hours of sleep, but when I woke up, I couldn't move my ankle and my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton wool: I could hardly focus. Turns out the cold & cough that had been lingering for the past week decided to rear its ugly head and hit me full on. So I called in sick, grabbed an ice pack, and tried to not feel like dying. I spent all day sleeping (mostly) and watching movies.
Saturday limped over to Julian’s and helped him shopping. Then we met up with Zucchi and went to the piknic électronik Igloofest. Basically, piknic électronik is an outdoor event that happens 1-2 times during the winter and every Sunday afternoon during the warm months. It’s a big outdoor rave. That’s right. Outdoors.
(Sidenote: Habs beat the Sabres 4-3! GO BOYS!)
Mind you, it was around -14 without the wind chill when we finally found a place to park and made our way over. And it was only 6:30pm, it would get much colder.
The only way to stay warm is to bundle up like crazy, and dance until you can’t dance no more. And that’s exactly what we did. My ankle was killing me but I didn’t care, I was so happy to be there. We also had some delicious hot spiced wine, which helped us keep warm.
Nôze were playing, and they blew my freaking mind. So did Mini, and Mossa! I missed Slim Jim though =(
I left around 11:30pm (I’d been shaking my groove thing since 6:30pm) because my ankle had swollen so much that my shoe wouldn’t come off. When I got home, I thought I’d never be warm again. I had to take a piping hot bath to get the feeling back into my legs, arms and face.
Sunday I went to Dim Sum with Kat, Eric, Neel and some guy whose name I can’t remember. Afterwards I got myself a bubble tea and spent an hour walking around Chinatown. The rest of the afternoon was pretty uneventful: I did the groceries, I vacuumed and did the dishes. That’s about it.
But Saturday night was really awesome. Next piknic is in March, so I’ll be psyching myself up for that.
Friday, January 12, 2007
It's not the kind of partying I usually do. Normally, I go out about 4-5 times a week, but I don't always drink, because I have work the next day. I'm a good girl, see?
My holiday partying involved me being constantly... happy (drunk, high, etc) *ahem*, going out 6-7 times a week, and when I didn't go out, people would come over. I calculated (by looking at my poor scribbled-over calendar) that I was at home, by myself, taking it easy, a total of 4 nights.
That is bad.
No wonder I've been living off cereal and frozen grapes for the past 2 weeks! I have dust collecting in my bank account... very very bad. Especially since I'm supposed to be saving up for my 2 weeks in Italy in May *fingers crossed*
So I added another resolution...Maybe I should call it that, because I usally don't stick to my resolutions. Let's call it an amendment to my lifestyle.
I will not go out more than 4 times a week. My spending budget each week for these outings, will be $50. That's 1 drink each night or maybe I won't drink 2 night and have 50 bucks for 2 nights, etc. Or maybe I won't go out 4 times a week!
Now if only I could stick to the damn limit. Does that included cab fare? FOOD? Oh shit.
The 19-year-old (19! Like Guillaume! Youngings!) netminder almost single-handedly dragged Team Canada into the final with his brilliant performance in the semi-final against the United States. Price made 35 saves in a thrilling 2-1 shootout victory that saw him escape unscathed in an overtime frame where Canada was outshot 12-2 by Team USA.
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
2. Drink no more than 8 alcohol units a week
3. Swear less
4. Lose 10 lbs in order to be skinny and not curvy
5. Be better with money
6. Psych myself up for university which starts in the fall
We had a crazy New Years Eve party...here's a few pics
Yeah...in the second one, my skirt is wet from spilling my Lemon Drop Martini on myself for the second time...
I haven't updated because not much has changed... I'm still working lots, going out, meeting creeps... same old story.
My main goal this year is to make new friends rather than make new ex-boyfriends/horrible dates. I have my boys, and Kat (& Liz), and that's all I need.
My family thinks I'm crazy for not searching for "the one". I told them to fuck off, and open their eyes to the year 2007. I do not need a man to survive. I pay my own bills, I do my own thing, I have wonderful friends who I love to pieces. That's enough. If I wanna get laid I can just go out and get laid. Or my rabbit does the trick very nicely thank-you-very-much.
Why does society view single women as such a bad thing? Single men are "free, ladies men, bachelors" etc. Us single women are sad and pityfull creatures who need to be dealt with delicately, or else we might shatter. What BULLSHIT!
It's always the same story. Men who score just to score are ladiesmen, players. Women who score just to score are sluts, whores. What the fuck? Had society really gone down the drain that much?
Oh yeah I forgot, it has.
Racism is alive and well, as well as bigotry.
Gay men are stereotyped as being really skinny or worked-out to shit, dressed head to toe in fushia, with over-stylized hair, and are extremely feminine.
Gay women are stereotyped as being short, tubby, not feminine at all, with close cropped hair and a taste for baggy mannish clothes.
Huh. See that's strange, because my good friend Mike is gay... And he's of average build, keeps in shape but doesn't look like a wrestler, has plain brown hair, plain brown eyes, and is more of a man than most of you. He loves sports, doesn't squeal like a girl, and couldn't care less about fashion houses.
My friend Carrie is gay, and she's the hottest woman on the planet. She's from Finland, she's tall and willowy, has waist lenght poker-straight blond hair, and eyes so blue you sometimes need to shield your eyes. She's extremely girly, spend more time on her nails than I do on my hair + face combined, and is dating a woman just as hot as she is.
I cannot wait for society to WAKE THE FUCK UP. Get over yourselves! Some people are big, some are small, some are brown, some are tan, some are fat, some are white, some have freckles, some worship many gods, some worship one and some worship none.
That is what makes the world so beautiful. FUCKING diversity. Whether it's skin color, sexual preference, favorite smell, we are all different. If we were all the same what a fucking boring planet this would be. If there was only one kind of flower, only one kind of fish...
We've come so far as to walk on the Moon and send machines to Mars, but some people can't even accept the differences in their fellow man.
And that my friends, makes me wonder how the media has the bloody cheek to state these times "Modern Times".